More Maine Pictures

I guess I forgot about these pictures.  They're from our last few weeks in Maine.  It was pretty nice getting all that time to spend with family while we were there.  I'd never been that close to my Dad's side of the family but, as these things do, we were definitely brought closer by Dad's illness and subsequent passing.  They've been beyond amazing and I'm incredibly grateful for them.

Here's Ez with one of his cousins...I think.  I mean, I'm really not sure what they are to each other.  Her dad is my first cousin...so, yeah.  They're related somehow ;-)  Either way, they just loved each other and played together a handful of times while we were there.

Some fun shots from one of the many days we spent lounging at my aunt and uncle's pool...

Ez did a little tent shopping at L.L.Bean :)

And of course my kid spent some time at the Freeport Fire Station...

Finally, here he is riding a cousin's (or whatever) mini 4-wheeler.  Holy shit, he loved that thing.

I've got another couple weeks of belly pics, but I'll save those for next time.  No need to thank me, folks ;-)

I've got a bit of catching up to do...

Big surprise, I'm WAY behind on updating.  I'm busy.

So, up first, we'll go ahead and get these ginormous belly shots out the the way.  I failed to take a single one while I was in Maine, so we're picking back up at 32 weeks.  I know, I know.  But seriously, these are getting scary...because I'm getting scary big.  Check it, yo.

Also, I'd like to point out that I'm pretty sure I'm not getting my belly button back this time.  Last time it only got so far as to go flat during pregnancy...then it turned into the deep, cavernous abyss for awhile. Now, it's out and I'm fearing that it's enjoying it's herniated-outtie status.    I remember the days of the cute belly button ring....not that I'd put it back in...but it's nice to remember ;-)

And this was among our first trips to the zoo once we got back.  Ez got all excited about the kangaroo for the newly remodeled Australian Outback section, so we stopped to take a picture.  He did his excited dance as he was crouch-walking up to her.  He's so damn cute.

Ez was also happy to get back to the farmer's market...and always makes time to stop and smell the flowers ;-)

We are in the midst of a silly-face phase, people.  Here's my crazy kid in the helicopter at the zoo.

Petting the starfish at SeaWorld...

Getting some of his crazy out with his buddy in Balboa Park...they were playing some combination of pirates and superheroes...
I seriously cannot keep up with this kid.

And finally, here he is at the first birthday party of the season.  It was a Dress Up & Dance party, so naturally, my kid dressed up as a firefighter ;-)  He's showing us his cake-pop, sprinkley face here...

Dad.

Dad passed away on June 18, 2013.  

He was surrounded by family and love and peace.  I am so incredibly blessed to call him my Dad and so lucky to have been able to spend every one of his last days with him.  Holding his hand, talking to him, laughing, crying, sitting in silence sometimes, shooting the shit just like we always do.  

It's cliché, I know, but I am heartbroken over his passing.  Though I would never wish for him to have remained in the state he was in, I want nothing more than to turn back time and have him here, healthy and happy.  Knowing I've been assured that, at some point, the pain lessens.  Letting go is hard.  I'm finding it easier to deny what's happened.  Deny it by trying not to think about it.  Is it the best thing to do?  Of course not.  But I'm just not sure I can do everyday things, on top of all the things we need to handle now...and grieve.  There's just not enough time in the day and frankly, I need to figure out how to do this.

He was truly an awesome guy.  Even if he wasn't my Dad, I would have wanted to know him.  He was always willing to try new things.  He was generous with his love - I have never, ever questioned whether he loved me.  Not for one second.  He made it abundantly clear that he loved me and was proud of me...and I cannot thank him enough for that gift.  Such an amazing father.  I only hope that I can continue to make him proud.

We've been overwhelmed by the amount of genuine love that we've encountered.  Love for our Dad.  We knew he was a hell of a guy.  But to hear just how much he meant to so many people...it's such a wonderful feeling.

Here's some photos I've got handy of my Dad.  They're all pretty recent and hopefully, I'll get around to putting up some older pics - once I get back to San Diego.

Having some fun with Grampy, April 2012

 Me, Dad & Ezra - April 2012

Dad and Ezra...hanging out, having some man-time in Dad's front yard.  June 2012

Getting a piggy back ride from his Grampy!  June 2012

Me & Dad, Negril, Jamaica - November 2009

Josh, Dad & Matthew, getting ready to jump off the bridge!  Tensing Pen, Negril, Jamaica.  

November 2009

Me and Dad, Negril, Jamaica.  November 2009

Dad, gazing out at the Caribbean from the SeaSong Hut at my wedding rehearsal.

Negril, Jamaica.  November 2009

One of my favorite pics of Dad.  Getting ready for the wedding in Jamaica.

November 2009

Jordan & Dad before the wedding.  Jamaica, November 2009

Dad walking me down the aisle.  We laughed the whole way :)  

Jamaica, November 2009

Me and Dad at the zoo, June 2010

Jordan & Dad, enjoying some delicious brew at Stone.  June 2010

Me and Dad in the Rose Gardens at Balboa Park.  June 2010

Dad & Me...OB dogbeach, June 2010

Josh, Dad & Jordan...cooling off in the snow in Dad's backyard ;-)  Pretty sure they're taking a break from a (very likely) heated game of pool down in Dad's basement.

December 2010

A proud, happy Grampy.  Dad & Ezra, December 2010

Where we're at

Sooooo.....Ez and I are squatting at Dad's house for awhile.  Considering the whole reason for this blog was to keep family up-to-date on the goings-on of the kid, I'm guessing that if you're reading this, you probably know all of this already.  But I'm going to say it anyway...

When Dad went in for some testing to see why his leg and hip were getting so weak and got the news that lung lesions were spotted on chest films, I immediately went into denial.  "Oh, okay" I said.  He'd had prostate cancer before and lung cancer would be alright.  He'd be okay.

I booked flights for myself and Ezra for a couple weeks, about 2 weeks from then.  We'd spend some QT with Dad, I'd pack his freezer with ready-made, homemade meals, drive him to and from any necessary treatments, etc.  All would be okay.

Then it was preliminarily determined that his lower-limb weakness was due to metastasis.  Radiation started the next day.

BAM.

Then he had a serious decline over the final weekend - which was the end of his radiation and the weekend prior to Ez and I flying out.   He'd lost sensory from the waist - down.  He was severely dehydrated and in an enormous amount of pain.  He was so bad that he had been unable to even reach a phone to call for help.

He was admitted to the VA the day before I arrived.

BAM.

Stage 4 adenocarcinoma.

BAM.

The day after I arrived, he was moved to the hospice unit of the VA.

BAM.

Whatintheholyhellishappening?  How did this snowball SO fast?

He had a streak of really bad days.  Lots and lots of drugs to combat the pain.  That led to some pretty scary times.  For the last couple of weeks, he's been improving and finally got back to being "Dad" again.  He's lucid, he's talking, he's Dad.  Just, in a bed.

Am I absolutely heartbroken?  Yes.  Devastated?  Yep.  Overwhelmingly sad?  Uh-huh.  Angry and pissed and bitter that this is happening to MY Dad?  Hell yeah.

He's my Dad.  He's funny, he's kind, he's generous.  We disagree on most things, politically speaking, and if you ask him, he'll tell you that he has no idea how I came to be such a bleeding-heart liberal ;-)  I know exactly how & why...it's because he taught me to do the right thing and to stand up for what I believe in. (See how I did that?  I just blamed my FoxNews-watching-conservative-father for me being the polar opposite.)  He makes the best pizza.  He likes to shoot guns.  He has some pretty crazy stories from his time in Vietnam.  He's also got some pretty crazy stories from his travels within the US.  He'll buy an outsized jar of pickles at Sam's Club simply because it's a good deal....even if it'll take him a decade to go through it.  He insists on stocking his "beer fridge" next to the pool table with shitty Coors Light for his buddies, because damnit, that's what they drink.  He's easy-going.  He's read every book in all the local libraries.  He'll put hot sauce or garlic on anything.

He's awesome.

I'm so lucky that he's my Dad.  And I'm lucky that I'm getting to spend time with him and tell him just how lucky I am and just how amazing a father he is and just how much I love him.

Sea World (our 2nd home) & 22 week pics!

Ezra and I are heading out to Maine on Tuesday.  Cross your fingers there's none of our usual flight cancellations/delays/general dumbassery.  Seriously, I haven't travelled to the east coast in the past 4 years without having a flight cancelled...mid-trip.  Super-fun with a kiddo in-tow.  I'm hoping for some smooth sailing....errrr, flying, this time :) 

Knowing that there's UTZ potato chips waiting for me in every grocery store, gas station, etc on the east coast....makes it all worth it ;-)

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Surprise, surprise, we went to Sea World again!  We happened upon the end of Elmo's photo line, and Ezra thought it would be pretty fun to introduce his Dad to his buddy, Elmo.  Ez was so cute (again) with Elmo :)

Inside Turtle Reef, there's this video game where you get to be a turtle, swimming through the ocean, dodging sharks and fish and other things.  Ez's turtle usually just gets pushed through the game, as he's mostly just into holding the turtle (that's the controller - it's super cute) and watching the other turtles swim.  Either way, this game is a new must-do on his Sea World list...

And here he is, demonstrating how the shark swims through the ocean, attacking various things.  He really gets into it, with sound effects and everything ;-)

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 And here's some 22 week pics.  Big.  That's about all I have to say :)

Zoo pics & 21 weeks!

This kid has been keeping us outside everyday.  Not that I mind...it's just that he decides what he wants to do that day and it usually consists of at least one major park (Balboa, the zoo, Sea World) and also a playground.  Then, he has to water the flowers and play in his pool when we are finally allowed to go home.  Unlimited energy, this kid has.  I need to bottle it :)

This one makes me laugh...because clearly, Ezra was being a punk and refused to let me take his picture on top of the extinct American lion statue.  Jordan's plea to him fell on deaf ears ;-)

And here's Ez and his buddy, riding the SkyFari.  He's kind of obsessed with it.  Requires that we ride it at least once every time we visit the zoo.

He's been so freakin cute lately - when he plays "firefighter" with Jordan, and he gets a call that there's a fire in the kitchen, he always runs in, pushes me aside and says "Stay back, mommy!  There's a fire in here!  I'll save you!"  Unbelievably adorable, people.  

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So, 21 weeks.  I'm looking pretty ginormous (compared to last time), feeling just as huge, and also feeling a little nervous about the current state of my belly button.  It's really just a thin-skinned, flat spot on my stomach...that pokes out all creepy-like now.  It's gross, I'll admit it.  Really, ever since the baby-belly started showing, it's gotten progressively flatter and flatter.  Like, I'm worried that when this is over, it's not going to be normal ever again...that kind of thing.  Jordan refers to it as "that monstrosity on your stomach that used to be a belly button" and refuses to touch it.  Nice guy, huh?!

So far, nothing major (or minor, even) to report.  Still chugging along.  I did gain a LOT (like, 10 lbs) all at once right before the 2nd trimester began, but thankfully, it's been coming on a lot slower and more steady, since then.  I've got enough stretch marks on my hips from my early college-years weight gain...I really don't need to add more ;-)